Jesus Applies Himself

Written for my friend, who is:

Unemployed, Like Me—
Who Phone Interviewed for a Very Well-Suited Position
And
Was Turned Away, Like Me

Jesus Christ walks into (in our case, a local home furnishings retailer, but you may insert the name of any prospective employer here) and says, "I hear you have a (in our case, visual, but you may insert the name of any sort of employment here) position open. I'm pretty creative." The Human Resources representative said they would prefer to arrange a telephone interview rather than speak with him in person. Jesus said, "That is fine, as I can be everywhere at once."

Jesus looked forward to the interview, and even cut short his vacation in Mexico to make the appointment. Afterwards, it appeared to the Lord in a vision that the conversation went swimmingly. The recruiter was warm and friendly and told him about what a great place (the home furnishings store in our case, but insert any corporate location here) was to work. Jesus thought, "And this is good, for shelter is important to my huddled masses."

Time passed.
Seven days and seven nights.

The recruiter called Jesus back and said, "Jesus, I know I told you I would get back to you by the end of the week, and I just wanted to let you know that the process is taking a bit longer than we first thought, but we will get back to you soon." Jesus said, "Let me tell you a couple of things about myself that aren't on my resume or my LinkedIn profile." The recruiter said, "Sure, go ahead, Jesus, if you think it is germane to our decision-making process."

So Jesus continued, "I am not sure you recognized my name when I first applied, but millions refer to me as the King of Kings, or the Savior. I hate tooting my own horn, but once, I turned water into wine. That is just how good, creative and resourceful I am. I look at every 'problem' as an 'opportunity'." The recruiter appeared to be attentive and interested in Jesus' credentials, and wanted him to elaborate.

Jesus spoke.

"I have some visual experience...I have taught the blind to see. I also have adhered to ADA guidelines, by teaching the lame to walk." When she asked Jesus to describe a conflict that he had experienced at work and how he had resolved it, he thought for a moment and replied, "I was at a corporate retreat once, and the event coordinator had not ordered enough food for the group. I was able to take one loaf of bread and feed all of the corporate execs at the meet and greet."

The recruiter smiled and said, "That sounds great. Tell me a little about your work habits." Our Saviour replied, "Well, I have a strong sense of urgency and I am very conscientious. You will never have to worry about me not showing up for work. You might even say, that no matter how ill I have been feeling, I would rise from the dead to fulfill my obligations."

She posed a hypothetical to Jesus, about a logistical issue that might occur in a retail setting. "How would you handle it if you were the acting store manager and the winter thaw and spring rains caused the store to flood, during the seasonal floor set?"
"Why, that one is too easy," said Jesus. "I would do as I always do, nothing out of the ordinary. I would take it in stride, and walk on water in order to satisfy my customers' needs and get the floor set done on time." The recruiter went on to explain, "When we do those seasonal floor sets, if you were the Visual Manager, you would be in charge of mapping the store and determining adjacencies."

Jesus thought.

"Well, yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (i.e. corporate doublespeak), I also have the capability and life experience to think outside the box. Since I am a self-starter who needs little direction, I am confident that I could execute the plan both effectively and efficiently."

Days passed.

The recruiter phoned Jesus again and said, "Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour, though we appreciate and value your experience and skill sets, we have decided to go in another direction. There are just so many candidates who are so much better than you—as people—and more qualified for the position. Their skill sets are better matched to our needs."

The next day, Jesus got a call from his friend the Holy Ghost, who was excited about applying for the exact same position he just saw freshly posted on Career Builder. The Holy Ghost had recently been laid off by another home furnishings retailer, and was thrilled to be able to apply for this rare and intriguing new opportunity.

And Jesus wept.


Oh, and by the way, the Holy Ghost didn't get the job either.